I Ain't Even Mad
by tirocno
Summary: Big, cracky crossover. When neither the Doctor nor a deadly Evil Ex can stop Twilight from infecting the youth of today, who can? Oneshot crack!fic. Complete for now. Don't hate about the Twilight thing, I like it really...


**Crossover includes: **Doctor Who, Twilight, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World and the I Am Not A Serial Killer series (which you _have_ to read!).

**A/N: **Made this up at 1 in the morning or something, so sorry about this. Ah, it's been so long since I wrote a crack!fic... :)

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><p>'There's no way we can stop it!' the Doctor finally admitted, raking his fingers through his unruly hair. His eyes were wide behind his glasses and he wore a shocked expression that almost masked the fear in his eyes. Almost. 'It's spreading too quickly. We're too late!'<p>

Rose shook her head. 'No, we're not giving up.'

The Doctor turned to shoot her a confident grin. 'Now, I don't think I ever said anything about giving up, did I?'

At that moment, the doors to the church the pair had secured themselves in crashed open.

'Try everything!' the Doctor commanded, picking up a cross from off the floor amongst other discarded weapons. Rose grabbed a string of garlic and put it round her neck and positioned herself by a font of holy water.

Edward and Bella Cullen strode into the church, the latter snarling menacingly. Rose began to shake nervously.

'Doctor, the time is now,' Edward said, giving him a Crooked SmileTM. 'Make your move.'

The Doctor was both motionless and speechless for a second before he reacted. He held the cross out in front of him and yelled, uncertain at first, 'GET THEE BEHIND ME, SATAN!' Rose threw holy water at Edward for good measure, but all he did was chuckle.

'Please, I'm not possessed! Just...incredibly Angsty and Full of Inner Turmoils That Are Somehow EndearingTM.' Bella joined in the laughter.

The Doctor was caught in despair as Rose cried out dramatically, 'Oh, what will save us now?'

'Why are you doing this?' the Doctor cried at Edward angrily. 'Teenage minds are already too cluttered; why fill them with vampire fantasies that you'll never fulfil?'

'Oh dear,' Edward smiled. 'You haven't quite grasped the situation, you see. I'm not just a vampire, I'm-'

'-An M&S vampire?' Rose interrupted hopefully.

Edward frowned. 'No. I am a Sparkly Vampire. You can't stop me.'

'Oh, Edward,' Bella said lovingly, 'you're so dazzling!'

'I know!' he crowed, triumphant.

Suddenly, there was a crash as a few of the pews were swept aside by an unseen force. All four turned to see a tall, muscular man, whose eyes were glowing white and whose hair seemed to be alive with almost tangible electricity.

'You might be a Sparkly Vampire,' he growled, his voice deep and calm, 'but are you a vegan?'

'I'm a vegetarian. What's your point?' Edward replied, frowning.

'I'm Todd Ingram. I was trained especially at the Vegan Academy.'

Edward's eyes widened and Bella shrank back slightly. 'Not THE Vegan Academy?'

'That's right, baby. I have psychic powers beyond your imagination.'

'I hate to point it out,' the Doctor interrupted, 'but he can also read minds.' He pointed at Edward.

'Whatever!' Todd said hastily. 'I'm still superior.'

'I'm not sticking around if this is going to be one of those alpha-male things,' Rose announced. 'We either defeat this thing or we leave.'

'Hey!' Bella whined. 'Twilight is a phenomenon!'

At that moment more footsteps echoed around the church. A boy of around fifteen had entered the building, a grim expression on his face and a trocar in his hand.

'Who are-' the Doctor and Todd began, but they got cut off.

'I'm John Cleaver. I work in a mortuary, I'm a sociopath, and I have a fascination with death.' He declared solemnly, glaring around the room. Then, without warning, he powered up the trocar and stepped up to Edward and Bella, using it to suck them up. After much screaming, squelching and gore, he turned off the trocar and turned to look at everyone with a challenging stare. 'But I am not a serial killer.'

With that, he darted out of the church.

There was a moment's silence.

'Oi!' the Doctor called, quickly taking of his glasses and shoving on his coat, running out of the church. 'You, come back!' Rose followed him out, sighing.

Todd shrugged to himself. 'Whatever. I'm still cool.'


End file.
